Sunday, May 20, 2007

JNorad reviews Infinite Ryvius!

Infinite Rih rih ree ree ruh bow! "We are ok!" Ryvius; (Eps reviewed: 1-12? Maybe 1-9?)
Genre: infinite boredom. Infinite pain. Infinite still frames of stuff not moving. And space. There's also a ship in there somewhere.
OP/ED, music: the Op is the most exciting part of the series. There's movement in the credits sequence! people do things! The creators decided the series would work best with some "urban beats" stuck in the series, and good lord yawgmoth almighty, making fun of the freestyle beatbox commercial interludes was the only source of entertainment we derived from the entire series. (Bee beeeou bow bow boo buh! Reee vi us!)
Plot: I feel that watching the lively OP cheated me out of what this series could have been. For a disaster-to-recovery escapade of the crew of a doomed space station and their recovery and rescue of the mysterious spaceship, the Ryvius, they sure made it bland. First ep, they throw in some nice and odd names for units of measurement which are assumed to measure pressure outside the station or your decreasing blood pressure. Nothing seemed to happen for another three eps, except chunks of the station fell off. Some time later after we grew a beard and got it snagged on the cd-rom tray, we realized we were only on ep 5 and decided to watch some more. My friend died of chronic yawning and carpal tunnel from doing other meaningful things while watching and was reincarnated several times, just in time to witness ep 6 or 8 or whatever when they finally got the damn ship. For the almighty Ryvius, it sure came in late as hell. There were some space "assaults" or skirmishes, or "yawn-fare" as you please. I think someone died, or I wished the crew would all die. Either way, the plot is supposed to be a "lord of the flies" done in space with the crew working together... which leads us to our next category, the characters.
Characters: These little buggers were in some plot to be stranded in the doomed sinking station and at the rate they do things, it's a miracle they even got anything done. Since I wanted the crew to all die for any reason that I could think of, ship rupture, mutiny, cannibalism, I didn't bother getting to know any names. There was a Faina S. Shirozaki, a name we only remember because of how ridiculously many times it appeared and how pompous it sounded. Could have been eaten by graboids for all I care. Then there was this guy who looked like Vincent from FFVII, with the attitude of a mad biker on depressants. As the underdog character that we hoped would deal some ownage (or something for that matter), he did some light beatings (or his pussy crew did). The only action that happened at all throughout the eps we viewed was the fat kid getting some kisses from the slightly skanky girl (or we wished she was a skanky girl, which would have given us a reason not to kill ourselves). And then there's this weird ass girl who is dressed like the Dark magician Girl from Yu-Gi-Oh! who appears when shit happens (which isn't very often and by shit happening, I mean somehting like minor gas leak or fistfight) and says one random line, which is usually the last scene of the ep.
Highlights: Whenever your children misbehave, you now have an anime to make them watch "Clockwork orange" style until they bend to your will. Reee reee reee-uh! Ryvius.
Notes: Ryvius must in some language, mean "suicide motivator" or "hemorrhoids" or "call the Kevorkian". The people who managed to watch this all in one sitting must either have died or become mentally unstable. We still cannot figure out how this series was rated an 8/10 or any reason why. We barely made it to ep 9 in three weeks, finding other things to do to keep it off our to-do-list. If this series actually gets better by ep 14 or so, I'll probably never watch it for the fact that the series progresses like molasses leaking out of a pinhole sieve.
If you liked this, you may also like: stabbing yourself in the face with a rusty spork, or reading legal notices with lots of small print.

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